Medium...Rare & Bloody Thank You Very Much

My husband is fascinated with Theresa Caputo-a.k.a “The Long Island Medium”, so when the new episodes air every season, I end up watching. I have severe mixed feelings on what she does and I will explain why. First I shall preface this by the fact that I do believe in the existence of people seeing spirits and that those spirits send messages. I myself used to see a lot of things as a child, however after my mother’s (understandably) nervous reaction after I saw my Grandmother (who died the year before I was born) attending the funeral of her beloved and good friend Irene (incidentally-Irene was my father’s Godmother) I guess you can say I “turned it off”. I really wish I hadn’t, although to this day I can sense presences and have learned to live with it-I never developed my latent ability and have accepted this. I was once told by a Medium that for her-it was like being in a room watching a bunch of people (in this case-spirits) screaming for my attention and yet I ignore them. I don’t do so out of disrespect but rather a mental block. I did see a lot when Eric was sick and dying-as death lowers the resistance between our world and the next-of course residing in a haunted house for 3 years with someone breaking that barrier wasn’t easy either. It’s not that I fear spirits in general, what I fear is something evil in the mix-and I deal with enough evil that I don’t want to deal with more-especially the disembodied potentially demonic type. So I am a believer. However I will freely admit that I do get annoyed with Caputo’s insistence on seeking random people out and announcing the messages on camera. We get it. You are a Medium. You communicate with the dead. That doesn’t mean you have to find every person who has lost a loved one and make them feel awkward by discussing their messages on TV. One of my friends who is Jehovah Witness (and therefore she doesn’t believe in spirit communication) was two steps from smacking someone who probably meant well sending a message to her mother that was allegedly from her late Grandmother. Her discussion upset the mom. I am willing to bet for every poignant (and heavily edited) scene we see there are thousands of “screw you lady” moments. However, there are some answers I wish I knew. I know I followed Eric’s wishes to the letter-well-almost to the letter-I didn’t follow through on one, but I think that was he slipped in as a sort of in joke on me. I will find out eventually. I know he’s here though. Call me batty and crazy but there are times I know, without a doubt that Eric is near me. I don’t think he’s mad I remarried. I know he’s glad Gabby remembers him. He died twice in his lifetime before dying for the third and final time. Gabby insists her father has told her in her dreams (where she often speaks with him) he decided to stop fighting death so long God would assure Gabby had a normal heart. All I know is Gabby has no genetic tracers so either Eric got HTCM via a virus, or Gabby won the genetic lottery of the century. “Look for something funny” we were in the elevator on the way to his surgery. I asked him if he didn’t survive the surgery, how would I know he was okay and that was his answer-two seconds later Joey-his nephew (6 years his junior and more of a brother) slipped into the elevator-the doctors never argued. So every day I look for something funny and I know he’s okay. One day maybe a Medium will find me and tell me what I know already-who knows. Some people wonder if I felt cheated, but I take the more optimistic bend that I was, in fact, blessed because I got the time I got with him rather than none at all and of course his legacy, Gabby.

Up From The Ashes.............

I have taken a very long sabbatical from writing my blog, however I am at the point where I realize my writing was something missing from my life and I need to make more of a habit of doing it-I find it an expression and also theraputic. Where have I been? Well unemployed since June 2010, although I entered the world of temporary employment this past summer at one of my old jobs who kindly took me on for their busy season-which did two things-allowed me to work again and made me realize I really miss what I used to do and I want to get back into it. I am married to Mark, something I never thought I would do again-I feel like Ross Geller from "Friends" the "3rd Marriage" thing but my marriage to Mark made me realize a few things-which are-in no particular order: -like Maude in "Harold & Maude", to fall in love is a wonderful thing, but if you lose your love-honor their memory-then go and love some more -certain things are worth the risk -my children want me happy -Eric may have left this world, but when I feel the need to want to speak to him or think about him, I feel him near and it comforts me -Karma exists, but she has this on-going relationship with patience -my husband, Mark, loves me-despite my faults and eccentricities -however I also know I will never be a Yankee fan (but he still loves me so that's cool -sex when your older is fantastic-like wine it improves with age -representing yourself in court IS possible and finally one of the most important things I have learned: I may be handicapped, but I am not helpless I am going to be taking risks, some emotional, some professional and I realize that I don't need to fear rejection. It's never personal. I am reminded by an action figure Stacey gave me "The Bride" -which she gave me because I also get back up, restructure and survive. I beat amazing odds, didn't give up and got back custody of my children, my next battle for the child support may be hard but I am doing it and doing it full on. I have also learned that help is there when you ask for it-I have a dentist willing to fix my teeth, my back doctor searching for someone to fix my back and things aren't as bad as they seem. I have good friends and I am remaining true to who I am inside. I have a plan for 10 years from now, I just need to tend to the next 10 years. My victory is that despite the odds and the craziness, my kids love me and nothing anyone does can change that. Into the fray-things need to be done and I am doing them

On The Dearly Departed

This time of year always has me caught in random sad moments. I lost my Grandfather July 27, 2004, I lost Eric August 5th, 2005 and now we have lost Mark's Gramma-Philomena on July 16th, 2011. As I had lost all my Grandparents, Philomena, or Phyllis as she preferred simply became "Gramma" to me as well. She reminded me a LOT of my maternal Grandmother, with whom I was so very close to-down to her deep faith, love of Bingo/Casinos and constant offers to feed me-but outshining all of that, what Phyllis had in common with my own, late Gramma, Mary-was her capacity to love.

Last year about this time I spent a lot of time at her home, where Lou had gone after being diagnosed with Cancer. Since I was recently unemployed, and Mark and his brothers had drained all thier time off by then, I offered to help bring Lou to appointments, errands, etc. I never viewed this as a burden, contrary I enjoyed spending the time with Lou, learning all about my new family, how they used to be and his concern for his mother. If he wanted a sandwich and requested one, it made her day because she was able to show how much she cared, so walker and all she would move about the kitchen, relishing making a sandwich.

She loved her children,grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren proudly. She loved taking care of them, cooking-even when it was too much for her, she insisted. I made the error of attempting to pass her something to make it easier for her and she scolded me "I can do it myself". She had such a value on her independence, so when she lost a great deal of it, I felt helpless because I couldn't change that-none of us could.

When we went to visit her, she smiled once she recognized who Mark and I were. Gabby waved from the door and her smile grew larger. She loved the kids. Her great grandchildren, both immediate (born of her grandchildren) and acquired (her grandchildren's step-children). Of course her capacity to love was matched only by her absolution and independence-she spoke her mind and had no qualms about it.

She slipped away, peacefully in the early hours of the morning. I admire her insistance that there be no wake, but rather a simple service, attended to and by her family. She told me once she didn't want a room full of people mourning her for hours on end, just to go through a funeral the following day. I know she's in a better place, back with the ones who went before her and is free of pain. I'll miss her, no doubt there, but recognizing she lived a full life and was at peace with the fact she was going to die-all we can do is remember-a person's worth is definitely measured in how people react to when they leave this earth-when nothing bad could be said about you and one is remembered always, that is a sign of someone who was worthy of more than this earth could offer, and as one who does believe in God, I know in my heart when she opened her eyes, she saw her loved ones and was immediately at peace. I just hope Heaven has Bingo.

The Depression Of Compression

Chronic Pain, as discussed in my previous post, is a very misunderstood subject. Unless a person is experiencing it, they don't 100% get it. I probably have one of the most empathetic doctors known in the pain world of Fairfield County, she doesn't push surgery and tries her best to treat pain, while also making sure you aren't going to end up a doper. This may seem easy to the average bear, but I know for a fact my doctor is in her office at 7AM-answering e-mails from her various patients, not leaving until 6PM and once a week she even stays for the Chronic Pain group she designed to help her patients by having them know other patients. She goes away to conferences to figure out ways to help her patients, attends lectures and give lectures on varis pain issues. In addition she makes sure her patients aren't running around getting high. That is a LOT of work. She is probably the only doctor I have known since my pediatrician who truly is into her work.

Part of dealing with pain however, is depression. I'm not saying all pain patients are sitting around crying our eyes out and beating our heads against the wall agonizing over our limitations. However there are a lot of downers associated with being in constant pain.

To start-you cannot do all the things you used to be able to do. Prior to my back injury I used to climb trees, buildings, rocks-I could leap mid-walk and land on a stone wall. I could do cartwheels, handstands-although I never could power through for backflips, I was always hoping I could gear up for it. I did this great trick where I could wrap my leg behind my neck and stand straight-Aurora has inherited my flexibility so I smile when I see her do this. I could play with my kids, hell I could LIFT my kids. I could run and I could walk sans a cane-I walked EVERYWHERE, loved it. And now I can't. Although this doesn't weigh on me every single moment of the day, there are moments when I am painfully reminded of it. That can make me sad-I rebound quickly over it-but I do get sad.

I am apparently lucky, because a large portion of pain patients are not only in Chronic Pain, but Chronic Depression as a side-effect. When I was able to attend the Chronic Pain Group I really found out how dire this was. One woman who is suffering from hip and back pain was telling our group how she coped with her depression by buying stuff online-she was a hoarder. She lived with her parents and brought pictures of her bedroom-blew my mind. However that was how she coped with her depression.

Human beings are rather independent creatures-when we are denied the ability to do things on our own-it bugs the shit out of us. Last year when I was still employed I helped one of the secretaries of our department with some tasks due to her physical limitations after she shattered her elbow at a show. She knew I understood pain, limitations etc and when she finally returned and thanked me for all my help we had a conversation where I asked how her elbow was coming along and she had the most joyous look over the fact she could now put on her own earrings. Anyone who mutters "oh CRAP!" because they dropped their keys and can't pick them up understands this. I have become Cane-Dexterous-I use my cane to pick stuff up because I am THAT stubborn.

Then their is medication-this is a whole other situation. Most pain medications, when first taken can give a euphoria-eventually that wears off. When it does sometimes patients get depressed. Or if they run low on medication or if they have somehow ended up in a situation where they can't take it-example-stomach flu, left them home when you boarded a plane, things like this-you go through withdrawl. Withdrawl is not fun.

Back when I was simply taking 3 Percocet 5mg a day for pain, my late-husband would sometimes take some-his doctor was in New Haven, and he would give them back when he got his prescription. However-what ended up happening was I didn't realize what taking this medication meant on a dedication level at the time. So I simply assumed I was prone to the stomach flu as I got severe cramps, fevers, sweating and other gastrointestinal moments of joy. Since I was commutting to NYC-again, I assumed I was being exposed to germs on my commute and that was what got me sick. I know now that when I ran out of medication-not only was I in pain (in tenfold mind you, throwing up strains your muscles)-I was going through withdrawl. After realizing this I made sure to never have it happen if I could avoid it. I suffer from CVS on occasion-Chronic Vomiting Syndrome-a nervous condition where when one stresses out they throw up for almost no reason. Sometimes I throw up my medication and end up running low-that's happened a couple of times and boy does it suck.

So withdrawl also makes someone short tempered-think about it-you're in pain when used to having it being treated, and your body is seeking the substance since the endorphins are thrown off. You get headaches and in extreme cases people can experience cardiac episodes from the stress. Scary stuff. So sometimes when you think about your medication and are imagining a ball and chain attached to it, you get down.

Then there is also people who were already prone to suffering depression-pain makes it worse. It is not uncommon to have an anti-depressent prescribed to patients while on pain medication. I have been fortunate to avoid that, but it is a scary thought.

Pain isn't just an ache or annoyance, it's more than something that can slow you down. It affects more than just the person experiencing it. Depression can affect those around you, so if you find yourself having short temper, little patience or depressive responses, you need to address it. I know in my life my kids won't be kids forever and I don't want their childhood scarred by memories of mean mommy because she was hurting. Verse yourself and know the signs.

And know you are not alone.

What A PAIN!!!

As someone who lives with Chronic Pain, it annoys the crap out of me when someone like the genuis below writes a book about "pain management patients abusing medication"

http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/06/23/zeller.oxycodone.heroin/index.html?hpt=hp_c2&is_LR=1



The term Asshat comes to mind, but I will try to refrain from name calling (ASSHAT!). To start-for the record if you read the article, she starts by describing witnessing a drug deal for "30mg" Roxicodone-mentioning a pile of GREEN pills. Well she should get her eyes checked or fire her fact checker, because last *I* knew-Green Roxicodone are, in fact 15mg. Why is this such a glaring error to me? For one, it was one amongst the series of mistakes Ms. van Zeller also misquotes statistics, has been largely misinformed on street names of medications (which I suspected, did a quick google and discovered on my own), is more into dramatic recreations of her daring venture into discovering the "truth" behind her version of "addiction" that she ignores a lot of important stuff. For example, Oxycodone is a fast acting medication that enters your system and leaves quickly-Oxycontin is absorbed into your bloodstream and releases increments over a period of time-think little mini capsules floating around your blood releasing meds.

She for one neglects to mention that at the time she wrote the book, in response to the numerous issues surrounding Oxycontin (the long acting version of Oxycodone-lasts 12 hours in your system when taken properly) they reformulated the drug which rendered it still effective when taken properly, but made it virtually impossible to abuse short of taking more than prescribed.

She waxes on about the DEA and their "war" on precription drugs. If the DEA paid attention to the doctors prescribing the medication and made sure the doctors were following the rules, trust me, this war would be easier. The only thing she marginally got correct were the "Pill Mills" doctors in Florida-however even now that is being dealt with.

I have been in pain management for 8 years, I have been on Oxycontin for 3 of those years without issue. I haven't gone cruising the dark streets of Fairfield County hoping to score Heroin to relieve my withdrawl. I haven't sold my kids, my body or pawned all that was sacred to score something. This is due to the fact that I have a good, solid doctor who rather than rush me in and out, listens to me, does the appropriate tests and knows the causes of my pain and therefore the proper means to treat it.

The book vilifies pain management doctors as drug pushers, who have agendas and are in with the drug companies to help make money, money, money. Look, Purdue is not angelic by any means, I assume they love profits more than any other company-but they are also willing to have a program to cover their medication 100%-delivered to your door if it works for you and you can't afford it. But they are getting you addicted for a profit. Okay, whatever.

The truth is, unless you have lived with pain-you won't get it. This woman's book takes every negative stereotype and very little fact in it's writing-the article alone has at least 6 instances of misinformation. So where does that leave us-the people who truly have pain?

Ever see "The Shawshank Redemption"? A proverbial version of Andy versus The Sisters.

We get a stygma attached to us, people assume we're sneaking around finding more ways to "get high" which-by the way-when you use long acting medication for awhile, you DON'T get that euphoria anymore. But you DO get pain control. If you're seeking an increase for the high-you've got problems, if you're trying to chase the pain away instead of chasing the dragon-hopefully your doctor knows the difference.

If I was a Cardiac patient and had to take medication to make my heart work properly one wouldn't blink an eye. But having a cane (which I can tell some people seem to think is for no reason) and taking pain medication labels me. And people like the award winning Mariana van Zeller are pasting them on us, daily.

The Blood Of The Dragon Rises From The Pyre

If you follow my FB page you will learn I love "Game Of Thrones"-and whereas I find the series to be very enjoyable, I am particularly taken with Dany-The Khalissie of the Drothaki Tribe. And by taken I mean outside of my total girl crush, I loved the way they wrote her character to grow while ensuring her heart remained in the same the place-she shows compassion towards the slaves, she has risked a great deal to relieve suffering from some of the pillaging. Oh and she's fireproof. Seriously.

When I first saw her, I saw her potential-the wide violet eyes, the slender, innocent delicate build-a virginal woman who lived in fear of her brother who often referred to himself as "The Dragon". Drogo, "bought" Dany as his wife-but in a twist of fate, Visarys discovered that rather than finding himself with a proper army-as promised-his sister became loved by the Dothraaki's fearless leader-that wasn't supposed to happen. Dany in turn took the respectful way of learning her new people's way, earning loyalty from her inner circle of attendents by showing kindness towards them-and they were so grateful they never viewed it as a weakness. Her husband-a man she originally was terrified of proved instead to be a man who considered her as an equal, offering her the ability to have a say in things-lovingly calling her his "Moon". Some Dothraki shunned this, others embraced it.

SPOILERS-so if you haven't seen the season finale, don't say I didn't warn you. So there.

Dany makes a deal with a witch she saved. This witch-instead of returning the compassion shown by Dany instead tricks her into "saving" Drogo's life, rendering Dany's "Sun and Stars" a body that lived and breathed, but had no spirit-at the cost of her unborn's son life-a son who had been foretold to "mount the world" and unite all the lands. Taking responsibility, Dany ends her beloved's cursed existence, ties the witch responsible to the funeral pyre and lays the 3 dragon eggs she had recieved for her wedding to Drogo into his pyre. Then-the once shy girl whose brother slapped her around and treated her like a piece of cattle-boldly WALKS INTO THE PYRE-after freeing the slaves, promising protection and rewards for those who stayed. Some left. Others stayed, including her innder circle. Not sure if this was loyalty of plain curiousity-however those who stayed got a vision of a lifetime-turns out Dany has been "The Dragon" all along-she noted when Drogo "crowned" her brother with molten gold that "he was no Dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon"-we also saw while she was holding one of the dragon eggs in a fire her concerned servent went to remove it and was burned while Dany was not. Her companion and protecter-a loner referred to as "the Traitor" kneels upon what he sees-Dany, slowly rising from the ashes with 3 dragons loyally clinging to her naked, soot covered body. The remaining Dothraki realize at that moment who they are dealing with and immediately kneel. Dany is the key to ending the madness. It was one of those great moments in TV that one doesn't see often. And very much worth it.

Meanwhile in Kings Landing-Sorsa learns that aside from being a whiney, snitty bitch, Goffrey is also a serious pyschopath. Even his mother notes the madness of his decision to behead her father. You beheaded her father and yet still point out you get to marry her and oh you plan on having babies with her as soon as she "bleeds" (gets her period). Just try and look over the whole I am planning on annihilating your family and the fact he promised to never be cruel to her. I do know from the books that eventually Jofferey marries Sorsa off to Tyrion-almost as a cruel act. He figured marrying her off to his dwarf Uncle would be a cruel joke. Of course he forgets his Uncle is probably the ONLY likeable Lannister. Tyrion is my second favorite character next to my girl Dany. He is smarter than people realize and the moment that Tywin admits as much to Tyrion, you see him react in a mixed way. Tyrion can be a dick, but he IS a good guy. My understanding is when Sorsa is forced to marry him, he is very kind to her and insists on NOT consumating the marriage, making sure she knows he'll protect her. He bonds with John Snow-Ned's bastard son and even goes out of his way to design a riding saddle for Bron-as he has a "soft spot for bastard, cripples and broken things".

I await the things that are to come. Of course I have to wait 6 months! Nurse Jackie ends tonight which leaves me pining for Boardwalk Empire-which will hopefully pass time until my precious Shameless and Nurse Jackie return!

Off My Usual Subject For A Moment

Those who don't know me in the real world or aren't friended with me on FB may not know this, however I was married twice before my current husband. The first marriage isn't worth wasting the cyber space on, besides he's a lawyer and he'd be whiney bitch and try to sue me if I mention him in my blog. My second marriage was actually very nice, we got along very well-sure we had some quibbles here and there but for the most part we were a great match. So of course, he died on me.

Mind you I had some foresight to this-he was a heart transplant survivor, so truth be told I knew I would outlive him, however in my ever so painfully optimistic way-I figured that would happen when we were in our 50-60's. Instead he never saw his 36th birthday, and at 32 years old I was a Widow. This isn't as tragic as one may think however-we have a daughter-Gabrielle-who is like her father in every way except two-she's a girl....and she has my heart.

Recently our group of friends lost one of our own, in the saddest way. Although I had some smattering interactions with this person throughout the years-we IM'd and wrote on FB because of a mutual topic of interest-Thor. Eric-whose lineage ranged from Swedish, German and Nordic based origins-was fascinated with Thor and felt a kinship with this Norse God. He knew his stuff too. My older two children aren't afraid of Thunder/Lightening storms because Eric used to tell them it was Thor. Even the night Eric died-there hadn't been rain in a few weeks. I remember seeing the reflections in the glass of his room while my head was on his chest, listening as his heart slowed down-there was a lightening storm. When we walked outside, the group of us-me, my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, her husband, brother-in-law and my nephew-I remember hearing the crickets and seeing the puddles all over. I asked the valet parking attendent if there had been a storm and he said yes, it just happened out of nowhere...and stopped as quickly as it began. I found comfort in this because I knew it was connected-no rain for weeks and now this?

Whenever there are storms I find myself more comforted than afraid. A particularly cute moment was Orion and Rory-calming Gabrielle down during a storm, explaining how her father felt an affinity for Thor and it was okay and her peeking out the window to watch it. I woke up this morning to the rumble of Thunder and it made me feel calm. This evening is the wake of our friend, who-like Eric-felt an affinity with Thor and I have to believe that the thunderstorm we all woke up to this morning is a sign he will be okay. We take comfort in the strangest of things at time, but this is the best way to live. We have to look for the positive, if we don't-then we doom ourselves to a life of negativity and harden ourselves to the point of feeling nothing.

Whether it is Heaven or Valhalla-may peace be found for those who have left us and hope their happiness lay in the next world.